Pants

Posted on July 24, 2009

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By Andrew Harvey

The average man in North America owns six point two pairs of pants. Andrew had four, maybe four and a half; He had just ripped the crotch out of his second-string jeans, so he wasn’t sure if they counted anymore.

This put him significantly below average, which worried him. It also spurred him to go to value village and buy three pairs of pants, putting him just above the North American average. Then he started wondering about what the European average was. Those Europeans are so very enlightened. Their men probably have ten or more pairs of pants.

This meant another trip to value village, and three more pairs of pants, bringing him up to ten, possibly ten and a half pairs. This was well above the North American average, and right around what he assumed the European average was. He assumed this would probably put him pretty high on the worldwide average. A lot of people probably only have three or four pairs of pants, maybe less, maybe none.

Then one day a travel show came on the television, showing Italy. Panning shots of streets full of immaculately dressed Italian men and women. He then realized that Italians were almost certainly higher then the European average, even as high as fifteen pairs (you know how metrosexual those Italians can be). Although he knew he was certainly not metrosexual, he was at least as good as any Italian man, and therefore should not have any less pairs of pants.

Again he found himself in Value Village, this time taking no care or discretion in picking out the pants, simply taking the first five pairs he found on the rack. Andrew didn’t think it would really matter, he hadn’t worn any of the other pairs he had bought either. As far as he was concerned, they still counted though. That was the beauty of pants from Value Village; they were already broken in. So if anyone ever checked, they would say “Yep, these pants sure have been worn, this guy is no liar.” Andrew would chuckle to himself, knowing that he had fooled those silly Italians.

Several months later the most profound moment of Andrew Harvey’s life came in the form of a MTV cribs episode featuring a rapper named Master P. In his house he had a massive walk-in closet, stuffed full of clothes. Andrew tried to count the mind-boggling amount of pants as the camera panned by, showing his enormous worth.

He decided there had to be at least one hundred pairs of pants there, maybe more. Andrew knew this guy was no better then him either. I mean seriously, he has a letter for a name.

So thus began the quest which would consume the rest of Andrew Harvey’s life. He was buying pants left and right, spending every spare dollar on pants, the costs starting to add up, even at Value Village prices. He briefly contemplated trying to work out a scheme to get paid in pants, but scrubbed the plan after wondering how taxation would work, and knowing he couldn’t stand to see his hard-earned pants go to the government like that.


Andrew Harvey is a Folk Artist, Off-Campus Housing Guru, Humourist and writer living in St. John’s, Newfoundland.
Andrew was raised on the hard streets of Berwick, NS (pop. 3000), and recieved a degree in History from St. FX university in 2005. In 2006, after a year abroad, The inexplicable allure of the rocky shores of Newfoundland, and the promise of Cod so thick in the waters that they slow the progress of ships, and can be taken into the boat by hanging a basket over the side, brought Andrew to Newfoundland. After the realization of the state of the Cod fishery, he decided to stay anyhow.
Andrew can now be found in downtown St. John’s, eagerly awaiting the revolution.

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Posted in: July 2009