By judy b.
1. I am allergic to peanuts, cats, pollen, and ukuleles.
2. My right leg is slightly longer than the left and to compensate I hollow out one shoe.
3. As a child, I wandered off from my parents in a mall and was not found for three days and therefore still find it impossible to “Stick with the group.”
4. I am a born leader despite the fact that my sense of direction is faulty at best.
5. I’m given to singing jingles and repeating limericks at precious moments, such as during the reciting of grace or wedding vows.
6. There once was a sailor named Jane, who glued both her hands to a plane. (I like to be prepared.)
7. I think shillelagh is a Hawaiian delicacy and I order it in Persian bistros.
8. I interchange “Persian” and “Parisian,” just to keep you guessing.
9. My love of roller coasters is surpassed in magnitude only by my propensity to vomit when I but see one—even in my mind’s eye.
10. Children adore me so much they cannot withstand more than 30 seconds in my presence.
11. I am an avid organic gardener and find pest-controlling insects magically delicious.
12. I dream only in flavors.
13. A tennis injury I sustained in college left me with a hole in my stomach that allows me to consume insane quantities of food, which I digest, python-like, over several days.
14. I have caused the spontaneous evolution of three species—that I know of.
15. Until a reliable, safe, and affordable over-the-counter G-force motion-sickness prophylactic is available, I am a staunch opponent of intergalactic travel.
16. This probably goes without saying, but I can fly.
17. You can book me for weddings, birthdays, graduations, bar mitzvahs, and any occasion when a tampon alone isn’t quite right.
18. If you really want to hurt me, if you really want to make me cry, be prepared to pay the price.
19. I can dance, if I want to.
20. Technology does not scare me—per se—but it does unnerve the people who live in my iPod.
21. I’m a people-person, except with people I don’t know.
22. Clowns both scare and excite me, so I keep them around the house.
23. I reinvented the tricycle.
24. I am a squirrel whisperer, but sometimes I have to yell.
25. If you’d like to know more, I’ve published a tell-all book that gives the back-story to these and more of my amazing qualities. I hope you can, as I do, read the language of the beings of the Andromeda Galaxy.
26. I am so glad you’re finally here.
San Francisco literary artist judy b. is the author of the fiction collection Stories for Airports. She is also a jazz-trained vocalist and an excellent vegetarian cook. She tweets microfictions (@jbonze), writes flash fiction and short stories, and is finishing a novel and a screenplay. You can find her on the Web at OnzeProductions.com and on Facebook at http://facebook.com/judyb.11.